Today, life events from my youth woke up as I was meditating. I remember in my days of youth how I used to be tormented by princedoms, powers, rulers of the darkness of this world, and spiritual wickedness in high places (the soul). Even though my parents were praying parents, I, in my own assessment, didn’t know how to respond to this torment other than self-harm. As a child, I didn’t even know this word or what it meant. However, the tormenter that seeks to kill, steal, and destroy knew that word and had no respect of me being a child.
The most common practice of self-harming is a cutter, which is strongly suited with poisoning. I, on the other hand, wasn’t a cutter. I was a self-beater, both mentally and physically, with suicidal tendencies. My communication with myself was destructive! Consequently, my right knee tells a story of years of abuse. The abuse was first compulsive (driven by this inner force to do something), and then intentional (premediated, well thought out) because I saw the results of compassion that it yielded. Compassion!
In former times, my thinking lifestyle and life’s happenings led me to obsessive and compulsive behaviors. These behaviors stifled my life! My thoughts were hacked as I attempted to secure things from people who didn’t have what I needed. Behaviors that made me want to demand this, that, or the other from bankrupt resources and individuals who were not gifted to meet the demand. These thoughts were my responsibility. Even so, after gelling with how I had evolved considering my ways wasn’t a stress-free undertaking. Nonetheless, the onus was still on my shoulder to consider my ways. What did I do, or was not doing, that caused my life to BE what it was? My self-harming actions were, in reality, harming others
As I now breathe, before I BEcame whom I AM I had to BE healed of who I was. SELAH! Wisdom was a ray of light, schooling me in that I wasn’t created with these self-harming deficiencies. Yet, they were born. These shortcomings had to die! An abortion was requisite in order for me to cuddle with salvation, healing, and miracles. And die…they did! Not in one wave, but in many tides over the past 30 years. On this journey, I’ve discovered that confessing my faults concerning my thoughts dismantles the pallets of pride. .
Essentially, I had to break up with injury and cunning persuasions to collect compassion and learn how to BEcome the compassion (the Ruhamah) that I longed for. SELAH! In the here and now, for the past 2 years, I’ve been praying for that Ruhamah. My prayers were consistent in this manner, “LORD! I want to BE compassion and more compassionate. I yearn to BE that for and towards my children; for and towards the fortunate and fateful. LORD, LET me BE compassion!” As I set out to study what I wanted to BEcome, I learned that compassion doesn’t seek a return from others; it simply enjoys being what it is and doing what it does. Also, I’ve learned that it is an intensely powerful word that brings life. It has elements of mercy that runs deep to spring up like a rushing well of water. My study revealed to me that the word Ruhamah, which is Hebrew in origin, derives from the root-verb raham, meaning to love deeply/to have mercy. This kind of compassion is expressed in Exodus 33:19 and 2 Kings 13:23.
In order to BEcome the image of my Creator, I had to consider my ways and change my reasoning. To live, in the likeness of my YAH, I must continuously have the mind of Christ. My spirit self, meaning the real me, has to abound at all times lest I return to the foolishness of my natural self, i.e., the self-harming. Of this lot in life, I have fully BEcome whom I desired to BE and I covet no longer. I have long disowned self-harm, and I cleave to Pure Divine Love. I AM now, compassion!
© 2015 Angela M. Smith